Transition

 

When I married my partner in a church in Ireland, this was nearly a decade before the Marriage Act 2015 legalised what the press like to call "same-sex marriage".  Thankfully I was able to show the Priest my UK passport stated that my sex was female.  It would have delayed the marriage but I could have eventually have produced an acceptable Birth Certificate.  But if he had insisted on seeing my Baptism Certificate - well it has the wrong forename on it and there is still no way to get that changed.

If for some reason a document cannot be re-issued, it is now relatively easy to obtain or even produce for yourself a very authentic looking "corrected" version - and this is a risk some transwomen choose to take.  However the same march of technology also means that increasingly official records and archives (including Births, Deaths and Marriages) are readily available on both government computer systems and the internet, and even the most convincing "original" document may be only a few key strokes away from suddenly becoming suspicious.  Embedded digital signatures are also now used to prevent the manipulation of documents issued in an electronic format.

If you don't pass convincingly as a woman then the likelyhood is that responsible staff/officials will check out even the most authentic looking documents that state that you are Female.  If there has been misrepresentation or forgery, this could lead to possible criminal charges.  

A transwoman doing her make-up.  Girls practice this from a young age and it can present an immense challenge to some transitioning women.  Of necessity, their make-up often rapidly improves.

If six months after transitioning you are still constantly getting strange stares when shopping, and your "friends" and even family obviously don't like going out in public with you, a very hard re-assessment is appropriate before proceeding further and undergoing irreversible actions such as surgery.  The often lambasted one-year real life test prior to SRS does have a very serious purpose.

19 year old Jamie-Michelle.   She's  obviously wearing a padded bra and lacks the dress sense of 9 out of 10 teenage girls.  But she's nevertheless still quite passable, reflecting the  brutal reality that the younger a transwoman transitions, the more passable she will be.

A still from a Norwegian TV documentary of a young transwoman being chatted up, it's probably staged but still interesting.

In general, my own advice is if that you can afford them and need them, then use them:- hormones, breast augmentation surgery, a 'nose job', additional facial feminisation surgery, hair transplants, electrolysis, skin peels, liposuction, etc, etc.  But a very serious proviso is to always seek good quality professional medical advice, care and treatment - you get what you pay for and skimping is big mistake.  To the physical changes you can add valuable aids such as voice training, deportment lessons, grooming tuition... even cookery lessons (really, they were a great laugh!). 

Make-up presents an immense challenge to transitioning transsexuals.  Poorly padded bra's are easier to avoid with the advent of silicone inserts.

Assuming that physically you are reasonably feminine in appearance, then passing then often becomes all about the small things - things that are second nature for someone brought up as girl but entirely strange for a man - and things that Hollywood often has a field day over when a man impersonates a woman in a comedy. 

For example, personally I physically have too many "male" appearing characteristics for comfort - I'm quite tall (5ft 9in), have broad shoulders, large feet (size 8 UK), a thick neck, and a boyish waist.  I will for the rest of my life be slightly worried about people (particularly strangers) instinctively classifying as a man based upon a first impression of physical characteristics.  For me, maximising my chances of making an immediate female impression means that I've learnt to emphasise some factors of my appearance: staying slim, a substantial bust, figure flattering clothes, suitable hair style, a good and very fair complexion with relatively light make-up, and an appropriately female (but not exaggerated) posture and manners.

Unfortunately learning how to pass is not as much fun as picture of three transwomen might indicate.

In Between Two Stools
My long second puberty - the period from when I first took hormones in May 1994 (still in my 20's) until I started to live full time as woman in December 2000 (mid-30's) - was difficult and hard.  When still supposedly a "man" I worried about how people would take some of my oddly feminine characteristics.  For instance, questions I faced included:

• How do I explain my shaved legs and plucked eyebrows?
• How do I react to jokes about my "man boobs"
• Dare I go to a doctor?
• How do I react to comments about my pierced ears?
• How do I avoid being seen topless? (e.g. at a pool party) 

You have no choice - you love these!

While as a woman (pre or post-transition) I faced new problems like:

• Do I have facial hair or a shaving rash visible?
• How do I react to a groping or over-forward man?
• How do I react to children and babies?
• At security checks, will the guard discover anything unusual?
• Sharing a changing room with other women.

Transition
A man trying to "pass" as a woman faces a constant and often high-risk challenge and obstacle course.  It is one thing to dream about being a woman, to actually try to live as a woman is quite another.

It's a real "chicken or the egg" situation - you can't successfully pass as a woman until you've lived as a woman, but you can't successfully live as a woman until you can pass as a woman!  It's also very hard to go to work and be accepted there as a woman until "being a woman" - with all its many downsides as well as upsides - becomes at least second nature. 

Before I transitioned I always worked as a man and largely socialised as a man.  However there were increasing periods between age 21 and 33 when I also socialised as a woman - Toni, later Annie.

I found that it was much easier for people who had only met me as "Annie" to accept me as a woman (even if they knew that I was a transsexual) than people who previously known me as a man.  When I came out to my family it was obvious that while trying to be supportive they had problems adjusting, although the passage of time helped a lot and my mother was always generally supportive.

When I transitioned I was reasonably confident about my appearance and dress, but was also very aware that my instinctive reactions and manner might differ from those expected of a woman.  Initially, every time I appeared in public or had to interact with someone, I felt that I was still "acting" a female role.

However, when under pressure the human being is an amazingly quick learner.  As the months passed my instincts become automatically  'female'.  I still caused slight puzzlement occasionally, usually due to a strange ignorance, but it was getting rarer and more trivial. 

Facial feminisation surgery (FFS) is often the next priority.  Prior to about 1995 this really just meant a nose job (rhinoplasty), but progress since then has been extraordinary.  For transwomen with deep pockets, and willing to stand the pain, an acceptably female - even attractive - face is often only a large cheque away.
 

Sex reassignment surgery (SRS) is surprisingly sometimes one of the last item on the surgery list.    There are several reasons for this, e.g.:

• The cost and medical risks associated with the surgery

• Even after transition, some transgender women still sexually enjoy having a penis

• The woman's libido is so low that sexual intercourse is no longer desired

• The financials gains from prostitution as a shemale

Elle Bradford was born a boy (probably called Jesse) in April 1992.  She transitioned as Elle age 15 and documented her journey to womanhood on social media, in particular on YouTube, but ceased making updates in late 2017.  By this time, age 25, she had been taking female oestrogen hormones for ten years, and also had facial feminisation surgery, breast augmentation surgery, and gender confirmation surgery.  Her ability to pass as a woman in day-to-day life benefited immensely from her slight stature (just 5ft 3in, 160 cm tall), quite small feet (probably size 6 UK) and acceptably feminine voice.

The Cost of Transition
Transitioning often has many serious non-monetary costs, e.g. the loss of life-long friends and the rejection by one or both parents.  But the financial cost is nevertheless often the most immediate disaster.

From the left, Rodrigo entering the Big Brother House age 23; Rebekah age 26 in a photo shoot shortly after she transitioned (with very obvious blond hair extensions!); and Rebekah age 34, after years on hormones and extensive surgery.

Rodrigo Lopes is one example.  Age 23 he stared in the 2009 UK edition of the TV reality show Big Brother.  A few years later she transitioned to Rebekah Shelton but found it very difficult to earn a living.  Allegedly she resorted to prostitution to fund her breast augmentation (2012), SRS (2014) and facial feminisation surgery (2015).  Although "sugar daddies" often took her on expensive holidays around the world, she apparently still struggled to make ends meet when back home   A report in 2019 claimed that she had "died unexpectedly" (implying suicide) was initially widely believed, thankfully Rebekah immediately refuted this on social media.

For me, transition had a devastating financial cost - my income dropped enormously.  In the year 2000 - just before my transition - I was working as a man as a consultant on a tax-free salary of roughly £50,000/$75,000 at the contemporary exchange rate.  I then had two short terms jobs of ever decreasing wages, before hitting a low point when thirteen months later I briefly worked as a Teacher's Assistant for what would have been just €10,000/$10,000 in a full year.  There has since been a slight improvement as I rebuilt my CV, and in 2004 I was delighted to accept a full-time job as a Sales Assistant at €22,000/$25,000 a year.  Thanks to several promotions this increased to €32,000/$40,000 (before tax) by 2010, although still less than half what I had been earning a decade earlier allowing for inflation. 

Although my income collapsed, some outgoings increased massively during and after my transition.  Between December 2000 and July 2004 I spent £11,000 / $17,000 on doctors, hormones, laser hair removal, breast augmentation, orchiectomy (not SRS!) and a few other bits (blood tests, skin peel,  dermatology).  That excludes other associated costs such taking as days off work and travel expenses. Also the added financial cost of simply living as a woman was extraordinary.  By 2002 I was totally broke and to help identify potential savings I kept detailed records of all my expenditure.  I found that I was spending at least €200 / $240 a month on clothes, make-up, hairdresser, etc, and that really was an absolute minimum. 

In 1998 Carlos Roberto Paz Wells became at age 38 Veronica Paz Wells, an ex-husband and father of a daughter.  Many transsexuals only face their gender dysphoria when they hit middle age and transitioning is very difficult.

The exact financial cost of my transition is impossible to calculate but from rough calculations I expect that if I had continued to endure living as man, my bank account would be least £20,000 / €25,000 / $30,000 better off every year due to higher earnings and lower essential expensiture.

The term "cost" can have other meanings as well.  Almost all women instinctively make a huge investment in both time and money on their appearance (i.e. improving their beauty and attractiveness to men) because that's what society expects and that's how they've been brought up.  As a man I guess I used to spend about 20-30 minutes a day showering, shaving, dressing, etc.  When I first transitioned I had to get up (in England in January!) at 5:00 am so that I had two hours to get myself ready for work.  I'm considerably more efficient and practiced now (standard mascara and lipstick in a minute), but I still spend at least one hour a day on my grooming, and on top of that there's the gym, the dieting, the shaving, the Hair Salon ... while preparing for a big night out can dominate my life for days.  Personally I don't like some of these aspects of womanhood, although I know that many women enjoy their daily beauty routines.  However the constant worry over my appearance is something that I've had to learn to live with and cope with. 

Two teenage sisters, born boys.

Shopping is yet another gobbler of time and money, half days off work and late night shopping trips with friends dissolve in to over stretched credit cards and aching feet.  But the compensation is a unique  relationship that no men [want to] experience, and long and insightful chats over a tea or even a glass of wine. 

For many transwomen, transitioning age 30 is a case of being almost but not quite able to pass.

The March of Time
I mention elsewhere on this site that the passage of time works against the transsexual woman.

Transgirls who begin hormones and transition as a teenager have a good chance of passing as female without any surgery; transwomen who transition in their 20's can often pass after some medical treatment;  whilst sadly those who transition in their 40's or later are rarely able to pass even after very extensive plastic surgery - Caitlyn Jenner being a high profile example - her facial feminisation surgery alone is reported to have cost cost $70,000.

Caitlyn Jenner, she had SRS age 65, shown age 67.  Realistically she can't pass as a woman among strangers.

Transwomen in their late 20's and early 30's face an agonising "if only" situation.  When I transitioned, the first year was very very tough.  But to a limited degree, time then actually starts to work in favour of the transitioned woman who sticks with it.  Actions, responses, motions, stories, even feelings, that start off requiring conscious thought eventually become automatic. with experience.  I'm also certain that the effects of many years of hormones and later an orchiectomy slowly worked on my mind and body in many subtle ways: fat thighs and cellulite, an inability to do simple DIY tasks, crying for days when a hamster died, ... a growing obsession with my nails.   Looking at old photo's has become like looking at a stranger. 

For older women in particular there seems to be a divergence between intention and hopes at transition, and the reality a few years afterwards.

Some transwomen would prefer having a natural looking vulva area or a sensitive clitoris over good vaginal depth, for sexual reasons that include lesbianism and masturbation desires. 

Photo's of Erin's journey from a 18 year old boy to a 22 year-old pre-SRS woman.
After two years on hormones she had breast augmentation surgery.

Emily De Salvo (formerly Stephano) failed to win a place at the prestigious Tito Schipa Conservatory as a male baritone. Following three years of vocal stretching exercises she succeeded at age 29 as a female soprano.  (Italy)

Transition

Transition is not a brief event.  I first posted this page in early 2001 - a few months after I had begun living and working as woman.  However, I was still far from comfortable with my new life and it took over two years before I stopped wondering if I had made a terrible mistake. 

I consider that my transition spanned over 10 years - from beginning to take  (with interruptions) oestrogen hormones in May 1994 to having sex reassignment surgery (SRS) in October 2004.  I could shorten the period by using numerous alternative key dates, for example the first day I lived full-time as a woman, the day I received a female passport, the day I had an orchiectomy, the day I applied for a Gender Recognition Certificate ... but none are really a better start or end point. 

The term SRS has also become less significant with its replacement by Gender Confirmation Surgery (GCS)  I have no strong feelings about either - SRS definitely didn't change my sex, as I'm still genetically XY and can't get pregnant baring a miracle.  However GCS hasn't confirmed a female gender.  As a teenager I knew that I was a boy and fancied girls, but also envied girls.  After many difficult years I accepted that I needed to live as a woman - and to be successful this required hormones and surgery.

An attractive if obviously staged photo of Vicky  (born Victor) Eriksson after her transition age 16. (Sweden)

An important acknowledgment at this point - when I was transitioning I found Adele May's excellent The Bird Cage website to be a wonderful source of information and inspiration.  Sadly, this and a short-lived successor, Altered States, have long gone.  But I've taken the liberty of repeating here some sage words of advice that I gained from Adele's hard work.

A Girl's Education
I had been reading women's magazines for decades, but received some excellent advice in 1999 to read magazines intended for teenage girls.  These became very important in helping me develop a female sexual orientation and point of view.  I can certainly recommend teenage magazines for advice on shopping, fashion and popular culture, and for plenty of tips on sex and love for the inexperienced heterosexual girl.  My favourite magazine was 19, which is slightly more mature than Bliss or Sugar, but far more entertaining and enjoyable than the likes of Marie Claire or Cosmopolitan.

A few months prior to my transition, I went on holiday to the USA intending to pass as a woman most of the time.  I didn't really expect any major problems so it it was a traumatic surprise to discover that my ability to pass as a woman in a night club did not translate to 7x24 full-time passability. 

A feminine physical appearance is - unavoidably - a very large step towards passing.  (Gabrielle Schaffer)

The trip showed that I had serious issues with my appearance and voice.  In addition I was simply not automatically thinking and behaving like a woman.  Without the immersive experiences of a female childhood and up-bringing, I was lacking essential instinctive traits and habits. 

When I got home I asked my [girl]friend for help.  Despite many problems we had lived together for nearly three years, but I was asking for her help on matters she had found difficult to accept.  When I started copying aspects of her dress and behaviour [half in fun but half seriously] she really disliked it.

The tall man on the left undoubtedly helps these two transwomen to pass.

It's Physical
When I transitioned, people who knew my background often had an all too obvious furtive interest in my physical appearance - crutch, bust, skin, feet, hair ... - it was all being checked out.

After I transitioned, my "top" was actually the least worrying aspect of my appearance  As a teenager I had resorted to padding my bra with home-made foam inserts but 20 years later it was all much easier.  After years on hormones I had reasonable breast development (small B cup) whilst the advent of cheap silicone bra inserts (aka breast enhancers) meant that I could wear a C cup bra which was both appropriate for my build and very realistic in appearance.  When I needed to show some cleavage a "push-up", a Wonderbra worked well.   Nevertheless - and like the vast majority of transwomen - I ultimately had breast augmentation which just made life so much simpler.

Transwoman Chantelle Stodden at the beginning and end of a decade long hormone and surgical journey that included SRS.

Perhaps surprisingly, my "bottom" was only a bit more problematic.  I wore a tight elastic G-string (aka gaff) under my panties.  This pulled back my hormone shrunken penis and contained my similarly reduced testes.  The overall external appearance was quite acceptable, particularly after my orchiectomy.  It also allowed me to go to the toilet for a pee without the challenges of a tucking procedure, avoiding the painful UTI problems I often suffered from after tucking.

However I could still not pass nude as woman, be it in a women's changing room or being attacked by a rapist (sadly many transwomen have been killed in such circumstances).  Having SRS was like moving from night to day in this regard.

A particularly bad problem during my early months after transition was beard growth and a beard rash.  I undoubtedly should have sought laser treatment for this before I transitioned, rather than after.  I also had a small nose reduction procedure (rhinoplasty) but otherwise have been quite comfortable with my facial appearance.

But the biggest problem was my voice.  Whilst not deep and husky, the reality was that when answering a  phone call I would pre-transition be 99 times out of a 100 identified as a man.  I worked hard to train my voice to a naturally sounding higher pitch and slowly noticed an increasing hesitancy from callers.  It took two years after my transition before I arrived at a feminine voice that I'm reasonably happy with - and which probably represents the limit of what I can achieve without vocal cord surgery.  On the phone call test, I'm now identified as a woman perhaps 90% of the time, and most of the other 10% of callers are uncertain.